“Something Was Terribly Wrong…” An Interview with Barbara Eden

Barbara Eden entered America’s hearts as a puff of smoke, an eager-to-please genie clad in a sexy pink harem costume, whose only wish was to make Major Tony Nelson’s life wonderful. Through re-runs, I Dream of Jeannie, has never been off the air.

America fell in love with Jeannie, but it grieved with Barbara last summer when her only son, Matthew Ansara, was found dead in his car from a drug over-dose.
In this interview, Barbara Eden speaks candidly with Today’s Caregiver Editor-in-Chief Gary Barg about Matthew and his addiction, her struggle to help him, and what other parents can do to help their own children battling addictions. 

Gary Barg: When did you first realize that your son Matthew was battling drug addiction?

Barbara Eden: When he was about 19 or 20.

GB: What were the signs?

BE: Oh, there were quite obvious signs, which of course, I misinterpreted. I thought he was just angry with me and mad at the world, because he wasn’t doing well in school. He had been going school in Santa Barbara, and had a terrible accident with his truck—this was right out of high school, his first year in college. He totaled his truck and lived and we were very grateful. It never occurred to us the reason he had the accident was because he was stoned out. He came home and moved in with my mother and me and I thought he was at school every morning. He’d get up, have breakfast, get his books and go down into the valley. And I wouldn’t see him until it was time for him to come home. One day, he left his books at home. And I was panicked. I thought, ‘Oh my God, he left his books, how’s he going to do his work?’ I got in the car, raced down to the valley, walked all over that campus looking for him, went into the registration office and said I’d like to know where he is. And of course they don’t like to give information, even to parents. But finally I found someone who would look up the roster, and he was not enrolled. 

GB: How did you feel?

BE: Like the world had dropped out from under my feet. I was very confused. I didn’t know what the heck was going on. 

GB: What did you do when you spoke to him next?

BE: I confronted him, and it was the first time in my life and his that he was very violent. He threw things and stomped out of the house, shrieking at me. Then I knew something was wrong. But I still didn’t know what. I knew something was terribly, horribly wrong. I went to the TOUGHLOVE classes. That’s the first thing I did, and someone there clued me in about drugs. And I had never thought of it before. TOUGHLOVE said you cannot let him back in the house. You lock your doors. You change your keys. I can’t tell you how awful that is for a parent, to think their child, their baby, can’t come in their home. But I did change the locks. I had my mother there, who wasn’t terribly well at the time, and we waited. I don’t remember exactly how he surfaced. I think he was staying with a friend. He had been living on the street. I didn’t know that. After he disappeared, his father and I actually went driving up and down streets looking for him. We were out of our minds. We had no idea what was going on. 

GB: How did you know to go to TOUGHLOVE?

BE: A friend told me to go there. Of course, I belonged at Al-anon instead, but I didn’t know that. This was my path, finding out what was going on, because I hadn’t a clue.

GB: How did you convince him to go into rehab?

BE: This is a 20-year-old kid who thought he knew what the world was all about. He objected mightily to going to rehab. ‘I don’t want to go to rehab, I’m fine everybody does this.’ But he went because he loved us. He was very angry; he had to justify his condition and that was part of it, blaming us. We did get him into rehab, and he was there for, I think, nine weeks, but as they explained to us, ‘Look, he’s 20 years old, he can walk out any time he wants to. He doesn’t have to stay for the full two years.’ He really should have. We couldn’t get him to stay two years. And that’s why I think, it’s important for parents to know early, because when you still have control of your child, you can make them well. Put them in a situation where they will learn to be clean.

GB: What are the signs of drug abuse that you would tell a parent to look for?

BE: Spending a lot of time away from home, which a lot of people think for a boy is natural and staying in the room constantly. And sleeping long hours. Grades going down is a huge sign. The minute the grades go down, that’s a big red light. People tend to think they’re going through growing pains. This is what a boy does. I don’t know about a girl. I guess you’d know immediately with a girl. If her grades went down you wouldn’t think this is just a male testosterone thing. People with boys tend to think, ‘Well, he’ll work through this. This is part of his live and learn period.’ But the minute their grades go down, the minute their clothes are not what they ought to be. There’s also a definite drug-culture look to clothes. As he got older I knew immediately. The minute he lost weight I knew that he was using again.

GB: Anything else that you particularly remember that should have alerted you there might be a problem? 

BE: One of the things I remember when he was just a very young boy, in junior high, my mother who was on pretty strong pain killers said, ‘Barbara, my medicine is missing. I count my pills and I am missing some pills.’ And I pooh-poohed it; I didn’t listen to her. ‘Mom, you’ve lost them.’ She said, ‘No, I think the boys are taking them’—he had a friend who lived down the street. And I didn’t believe her. You don’t want to believe this. And I know now, of course, they were stealing her pills. 

GB: Addiction is also a major problem for adults because there’s a lot of pills being prescribed and cross-prescribed. Many caregivers face the same challenge you did, as well as the same denial, not being able to believe that their parent could be abusing medications. 

BE: My mother was so careful because she was so aware of that. She had cancer and she didn’t want to be dependent on it, but she had to have it. That’s why she counted the pills, so she would know she took exactly what she had to take when she had to take it. That’s why she knew that they weren’t there.

GB: Addiction is such a hard thing for a parent to see and really know. It sounds like your first step was reaching out and asking for support through the community.

BE: I’ll tell you something. I have been so lucky; I had friends I didn’t even know I had, when this happened. All during the years of his addiction, I had friends that are in the program that I didn’t know were in the program, they called me and gave me names of people to talk with and learn what to do. Unfortunately, they aren’t all happy stories that these people have. But they’re there for you and they’re showing you the path, and some of them have beat it, but many of them haven’t. And more haven’t than have. If you can just get these children early, you’ll have more of a chance to make them well.

GB: Would you recommend Al-anon?

BE: Yes, I certainly would. I would recommend trying everything. I went to every meeting there was. I went to group meeting at a hospital with parents and wives and husbands, loved ones who had this illness and with two psychologists. I think that really helped me a lot. I took Matthew a couple of times, He was not always—until the end—receptive to it, and that’s what breaks my heart. He was really trying those last five years. He was just fighting a good battle. I don’t want to name names, but there are people in my industry who called me and who said, ‘Look, call this person, they’ll help you. They’re in the same situation. Go to this meeting.’ And I did. Sometimes it was helpful, sometimes it wasn’t. 

GB: We tell caregivers the very same thing. You’re not alone. There are millions of other people who have gone through this. There’s a lot of advice out there, but the first reaction so many times is to just hold it in and not want to share with people who can help you. 

BE: I didn’t have that problem—I really wanted to know. I wanted to learn and find out what to do about this. I guess my problem is that I’m a fixer, and you can’t fix this. But that’s probably the reason I kept going to all the meetings, reaching out, because I kept hoping to find the pill, the magic whatever it is, that would cure him.

GB: It sounds more like it’s a process.

BE: I guess. I don’t know what it is. It’s like you’re drowning, and every once in awhile you come up for air. It really is very difficult once your loved one is an adult. There is no control. When they’re a child you do, and you can help them. They have more success with children because they can be kept in a good situation for more than two years. Children have success stories. But once they get older, even Matthew, who wanted so desperately to live a clean life… and one time, there he was, dead.

GB: Do you have one piece of advice that you would give to family caregivers on this issue?

BE: The frustrating thing is there’s no right and wrong in this. You’re in a fog. You’re trying to find the path, a way to cure the illness, and they have to do it themselves. But, somehow, you want to turn that little light on so they’ll say, ‘Oh yes, this is what I want. I want life, I want happiness, I want family. This is better than what I have. My goal was to keep him alive until he realized he wanted to live. I thought I’d done that. But it certainly isn’t easy. This is such new territory. I don’t feel that I was successful. But for your own peace of mind, I would say, seek help wherever you can find it. The only thing with drugs in particular is you just learn from other people in the same situation. You learn what not to do, you learn what to do. There are no givens. There’s nothing absolute with this illness. You have to realize it is an illness. There are times when you get very, very angry, but it does no good. Absolutely no good. These people can’t help themselves. Only you can help them. You can’t do it for them, you see. You just have to support them.

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